eBay Addict Confesses All
by David Negron
Robert Sievert: Portrait of the Author
In his latest book David Negron confesses all. His text is a 159 page account of the depths of an obsession. His writing is fast and witty and moves you through his day by day explorations of the cutting edge of internet madness known as E BAY. I had a small degree of exposure previously as my friend Dave Silberstein recycles girlie postcards and other things he finds in yardsales and antique shoppes on E Bay. E Bay seems to be an exploding internet force and in Negron's book the in and out daily workings of his biddings, winnings and lust for objects is vividly detailed.
The following exerpts were very hard to choose ... so much is good ... at times one experiences what can I call it oh well I guess it's rapture? yes yes that's it rapture ... Negron is one of the few writers I have read of late who can really convey rapture ... read and believe ...
As of the moment we are exploring various ways of publishing this text. As of this time should you want to read it in its entirely and view the absolutely ravishing pictures of carpets and sweaters a file can be sent to your email for the nominal fee of $20.00. Email your intent to buy and we will send you a file containing complete text'. illustrations included.
My E-Bay Shopping Spree
A True Confession
By David Negron
Thursday, November 10, 2005
This week I bought: 5 coats; 12 shirts; 5 pairs of pants; I think 11 sweaters [honestly, I lost count]; a French horn; and a flute;
I was at a family gathering, talking about my new hobby [addiction] hobby! [addiction!] and a friend said, "Oh, I know someone who buys all her clothes on E-Bay." "But, how does she know what size to buy?" "Oh, she knows all the manufacturers' sizes by heart."
Buy CLOTHING on E-Bay? I hadn't thought of that. Maybe, now I can stop buying rugs?
So far, I have bought musical instruments and rugs. Well, and other stuff. But my passion is rugs. I now have fifteen rugs. My apartment isn't so very big. But, so far, I have figured out where to put each one. One lives on the dining room table. That's very Dutch, you know, a rug on the table.
But Clothing? What a good idea!
So I bought coats, shirts, pants, sweaters, a French horn, and a flute. [To be honest, the French horn and flute weren't for me, they were for my school. But the rush of winning them was almost as good as if they had been for me.]
So, today I came home and there were four packages for me! All the way home, I wonder, what might be there for me, waiting? I have gotten in the habit of leaving a note addressed to UPS, FedEx and USPS, saying, "Please leave packages for David Negron with Afonja, 1st floor." [Bless my landlord, he puts up with me], but they don't always do it. My regular UPS guy always does, but he's special. The others, one can't trust. And now I find that FedEx will actually TAKE the note, leaving nothing for UPS or USPS at all! I think I have to now leave 3 separate notes, one for each. There is nothing worse than coming home and seeing the, "Sorry we missed you" note. So close, and yet, so far! [Well, perhaps being a political refugee is a little worse?] You wonder, what was it? When will I get it? Today, there were the 4 packages, and one "Sorry" note, from FedEx. So I sucked up the note, and gloried in the packages.
Do you think there's something wrong with me? Am I filling some sort of emptiness in my life with packages when I come home? Aren't my dogs enough?
So, first I took the dogs out [one must, or they might DO something I don't like] and then went to the packages. Which one first? The biggest? The smallest? I chose the biggest: The pants. Six pairs of pants. But wait- these are supposed to be dress pants. They are so light. Uh-oh. I've done bad. This isn't what I wanted. Okay, away with them for now, and on to the next package. What shall it be? Yes, the smallest, a large envelope. What could it be?
A pattern! A fucking pattern for a sweater! Not a sweater- a Pattern for a sweater. And I spent $2 for the "sweater" and $2 for shipping. For a pattern.
Okay, so now I don't feel so good. Is E-bay really that great? I guess you have to read the fine print. To be honest, it wasn't even that fine, there was indeed this word, "pattern", but, hey, I'm a guy, it just didn't register. Okay, just four bucks blown, it could have been a latte. And I don't even Like lattes.
So, on to the next package: It's big. Heavy. Nice. Quicky-quick, open it: It's a coat. I remember now. Green. Foreign, some kind of East European. Ooh. I think I like it. But, will it fit?
[I have this new inner mantra, "It will fit, trust, it will fit." I say it for things that look small (It's just the way the model is standing) I say it for things that look big (sweaters underneath, think sweaters underneath)]
So now, the moment of truth, I put it on. Why, I think it fits! And what is this? A removable lining. I can wear this in Spring-time! And this? A hood. Nice pockets, two for my hands, two for stuff. Wait, I think I like this, I think I really like this! I can wear it tomorrow, it's getting cold. The timing is perfect!
YAY, I did good!
On to the next package. What could it be, it's a little heavy. I open it- it's a real sweater! No, it's flat. It can't be a sweater- it's a rug. A rug! The one I've been waiting for, for weeks. An antique hooked rug. Hand-made, Depression era. Finally! I take it out and look for a place on the floor where there isn't already a rug [not so easy] and look at my new friend:
What an old piece of shit. I spent money on this? [I think, including shipping, $15]
Well, maybe it just needs to be cleaned. That's it, it needs to be cleaned. Where shall I put it?
Okay, now what? Back to the pants. I open one [each is wrapped separately in plastic]. It is indeed very light. I put it on. Wait a second, this isn't so bad. It fits well. Nice color. Wait a second, I get it now, these are Summer pants. Yes, summer pants. And I Need summer pants. [Just, not now, it's November.] But they are Good pants. So, I did do good after all. I open the drawer that I'd cleared out for the 11 sweaters, and place the pants perfectly inside [I'll wait to hem them in spring].
So now, I DO need those corduroy pants for winter!!
Last night I woke up at 2:00, tossing and turning, but just didn't feel like shopping. [my new cure for tossing and turning] So I washed the dishes. That was okay too.
Friday, November 11, 2005
E-Bay just told me that I'm half-way to my Blue Star. I'm so proud!
Later that day
There was a really big package waiting for me today. I wish I didn't have to take the dogs out first, but I guess it's only fair. Pooping is more important than packages, even I know that.
It was the French horn. Oh. Not for me. But it's nice. And FedEx, which had left that horrible Sorry note yesterday, didn't come back today at all. This one came from UPS. Well, this is disappointing indeed. Where are my sweaters? Where my shirts? Where's my rug? [oh, I forgot to mention, I also bought another rug this week. I couldn't resist the colors- I need to see those colors in person. I only can't imagine where I'll put it.]
And the French horn, a real bargain, turned out to be a single horn, not a double. And kind of cheesy. Brass lacquered [tin]. No wonder it was so cheap. Is E-Bay really right for me?
Am monitoring My E-bay, as I now am bidding on eight items. Some are due in about an hour, some in about two, some in about five. I guess I have my day cut out for me. And, I have to stay home anyway for a shipment from USPS [I hope, finally, after one of those horrible "Sorry" notes] of sweaters and the last coat. But damn! Someone just outbid me on the kilim. My Love! You're not going to get it without a fight. He's mine! Upped the bid to $50. 49 minutes to go. Heathcliff. Heathcliff!! I'll do anything for you- mortgage the dogs.
36 minutes, 37 seconds. Still mine.
34 minutes, 50 seconds. [I know- he will live on the dining-room table. That other scoundrel can go back to the barn where he belongs. Heathclliff!! Come to me! ]
32 minutes, 34 seconds. The Beautiful green check, "you are the current winner!"
[I am also bidding on a scarf, it is due in about 15 minutes, but who cares about That?]
Back to the Bay, "refresh this page" [never quick enough for me, refresh, refresh, damn your hide! Refresh, Make me fresh anew. Am I winning? Has someone taken my Heath from me?] Green! I am winning.
Refresh, Refresh I say!
26'49". Is the Other lurking, waiting? Or does he recognize My ownership, has ceded all rights? [sometimes I am bidding, and I see that it's against some Other one, who also wants, and I say, Okay, it's yours, even though I know that I could have it, if I wanted, more. I think of my Karma. You have it. I have enough.]
Is this fun? Or is this torture?
[I have decided that I really don't care. Is it really that important?]
Make fresh again: I am the current high bidder! Green, I need green!
[This is tennis]
Refresh: Each time the picture of the rug, the blues and reds. Most important, the Green,
Refresh: 14'26". My computer is too slow! Refresh me, refresh me now!
Refresh: This is a song
Refresh: 9'15". Wait, I have to pee.
Refresh: This is sex
[Think, if I am outbid at the end. Rugus interruptus. I am almost tempted to take a walk, or check on the scarf.]
Refresh: This is a poem.
Refresh: Am I boring you?
Refresh: But isn't this exciting?
[I must stay with my love now. He needs me. I will tell you what happened. Pray for us.]
Heath- - - - - - -!
You were so beautiful. My computer was too slow, I couldn't save you. Now that other wretch will remain on my table, sullying your true place.
I should have bid $100. I should have bid $1000.
I must gird myself for the future against attacks like this. I see now that there is software, I will download. Here goes:
Just Confessed. And just looked again at The Rug. It makes me weak, it's so beautiful. Thank you, Lord, for giving this to me- the picture of this work of art. I can keep it in my head no matter what. I am humbled by the beauty of your [through human hands] creations. Now the Bay must give it to me as well.
Here is part of it:
I shall show you the rest when it is ours.
Did I mention that I have also bid on a new double French horn? [My student needs it. It will be a donation. Or, like, 7 months of spam.]
[Also, did I mention that in the middle of the night last night I realized that I probably can deduct all of this on my taxes? So, like, what's the problem?]
I believe in Perfection. Sometimes, I have thought that if Perfection were ever really achieved, the Universe would explode: The Big Bang. That's it, that's what really happened: Suddenly, every single thing in the Universe came into alignment and got absolutely perfect and so, of course, everything went Bang. And started out recreating itself, to try to get it right again. I mean, what else could it do? Just sit there being perfect? Boring! And what if one thing moved? It would ruin everything. Too tense. That's it, it's the tension of Perfection that causes the explosion. So, sometimes, I am afraid of getting things too right, lest I go "Poof". And start making the next universe. Little old me! Who'd have thought? One little adjustment, this goes here instead of there, and, splat, the universe explodes.